Loving you

I’m attracted to a story. To someone whose soul has traveled places others rarely return from. That being said I guess where I first knew I loved your soul was when I looked into your eyes in a backyard on the outskirts of town at 3 am, under a starry summer night. We were both intoxicated which made reality feel much more blissful. We talked about life, love, lust, and you were more than just a casual bystander. You were just as lost as me.

Leading up to one of life’s moments where you can’t really explain why things are happening, I packed my stuff and began to wonder. I wondered to places I never thought I’d be and to my surprise you followed. Our time together began to grow and while I laughed and drank, you watched. You laughed with me and you danced with me at a house in the woods and somewhere in between coming in and out of reality, I began to watch you. Still to this day, I don’t know what it was about you that made me want to know more about you. I remember telling you, your soul has things about it that you don’t even to see, your soul was absolutely stunning.

Among the highs and the tears, I loved you. I cared about you.

As summer began to grow colder, we made it very clear that we wanted to focus on each other, we had desires to grow together and take on this portion of life on as a team.  I decided to pack my bags once more and take off. Once more you followed and we spent the remainder of warm days together in the sunshine, windows down in your car, driving through a small town.

Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. I followed you home and your bed became a safe place and your arms were open to me every night. You’ve taught me patience. You’ve taught me strength and, in return I’ve taught you love and stability. I’ve learned you’d rather pretend problems don’t exist and I don’t think you’ll ever talk about your past. Although I am a person who feeds off of the knowledge of other people, I’m growing to accept that I’ll probably never know much because that’s just who you are and that’s okay.

I see so much of myself in you, and I think that’s why my understanding of your actions are so patient. So much weighs on your soul and I understand, there are many days that I just lay underneath all the blankets on your bed and cry when your not home. I’m still so lost and that’s okay. I know that you may never read this and that being said my love for you is unconditional, you have been an amazing friend and a gracious companion, you’ve taught me so much in bettering myself.

So, as winter grows colder and Christmas nears, may our journey continue and let life treat us fairly.

I love you.

Winter is Near

It’s that time of year again. Where crippling depression of December decides to show its face. Honestly I don’t think there has ever really been a time where I enjoyed the holidays. I think my ex boyfriend’s family achieved the highest for ever making me feel at home during the holidays.

This year it’s much different. I mean here I am sitting in a dark room, on a pillow on the the floor debating if I’m still making the best decisions. To be honest at this point I’m not sure if I’m where I’m supposed to be. I feel so alone. In a house where I’ve only known these people for 3 months. I still feel like a stranger. I can’t comfortably be myself. I hardly even talk anymore. I feel as if I’m nothing more than a ghost that is merely visiting a home in which I’m welcome but still feel lost.

It’s hard feeling homesick when I really have no place to call home. I miss my cat, Rajah. He stills resides at my old home. There’s nothing I want more than a place of my own. Where no one will make me feel small. To make me feel crazy and unwanted. It’s just another one of those days where I’m really starting to lose sight of my existence and I know that it’s only temporary. It also doesn’t make it any easier that the closest person to me in my life, can’t even grasp a hold on their own emotions let alone even think of mine.

I guess all I can do is realize how much I took what I had for granted and move on. To hope for better days and knowing winter is near, I take shelter in warm arms, as i cry softly in the darkness of midnight. I remind myself that feelings are only temporary and all things pass with time.

Everything will be okay.

Take me back to the Summer

Somewhere in between faded nights and blurry mornings, I fell in love. There was something about being careless that infatuated me. Drinking heavy amounts of liquor and rocking an over sized sweater, grey underwear, on a back porch in the middle of the woods with 7 other people is a story in itself.

These people were all nothing but lost souls feeling out their way on this planet we call Earth. There was something about laughing together and looking to the stars that helped numb that tragedy that was all lying within ourselves. Racing on back roads together because what did we have to lose. Drinking and smoking as soon as we could stand in the morning always meant for a good day.

I fell in love with the those barefoot days, feeling my toes on a gas pedal because what was the point of shoes when we were headed straight for the beach. I fell in love when I was sitting in the back seat with all the windows down, a shitty car stereo blaring overrated pop music, smiling as i looked into eyes that were just as crazy as mine. I fell in love with the sunshine that hit of my face as my hair was tied in knots by the wind in an overcrowded parking lot, buying things that were beyond the necessary.

I fell for the lust, the adventure and the sunshine. In my eyes i had nothing to lose, only moments to gain.

Coming Down from the Mountians

To accommodate Thanksgiving morning with long drives and overthinking is only to be expected at this point.

After taking my Aunt, Uncle and cousin home, i was left with about an hour drive home down from foggy mountains. Thinking about what on this God given Earth I did to deserve such a fucked family. I mean i know there are many people out there with much worse. I’ve met those people and it leaves me with no room to complain but I’m only human. Leading up to the conclusion, that at this point I’m not sure I’m even complaining but just announcing that I’m just done, I’m fed up.

I’m fed up with the toxic people I share my blood with. I’m embarrassed and in no way am I holding myself above these people because I, myself, am no better. It just sucks that I still have the audacity to want to continue to talk with them. Even though I knew Thanksgiving dinner would be quiet, I still went out of my way to play family.

When your young a mother is almost a god in your eyes. She can’t do anything wrong. She’s perfect. No matter what negative things people tell you, it’s not true. And you grow up and slowly understand that maybe she is toxic. Maybe she did hurt people and maybe it wasn’t just my mother to blame. It was also the aunt, the uncles, the grandmother. It was everybody but you still crave a real relationship. You desperately want them to be your role models but knowing how fucked they are and how much they’ve fucked you in the head,  you conclude in the fact that you wouldn’t even show up at their funeral.

Continuing the drive home, the fog is so thick that i can barely see the windy turns a few feet ahead. Debating on pulling over just to get pictures but thinking about how its very foggy and someone might not see me, usually i wouldn’t care but I just didn’t feel like dying that day.