Its 4 pm

Its 4 pm on an April afternoon and here I am laying in bed, messy hair and sleepy eyes. Although I should be getting ready for the rest of my day I’ve decided to have an existential crisis instead. Classic move made by yours truly.

The slow hum of a cheap fan blows a warm breeze throughout the room I lay my head. Spring is finally made herself comfortable, allowing trees to bud and rain to fall. The skies are beginning to fill with grey as the heaven graces the soil with life. I sit here and I wonder. How do I always end up in such unfamiliar places?

I’ve fallen in love. No longer do I reside in infatuation but in slowing down and remaining comfortable in someone else’s heart. My fear is that you do not want to make yourself comfortable in my heart. You are so afraid. Afraid of loving, you don’t know how to be comfortable. I see so much of myself in you and God is it beautiful but its also heartbreaking.

I act like I’ve become this new person. That I am not the same person I was a year ago and although I’ve made great changes to my perspectives my heart is still just as broken. I am not a kind person. I am a broken person. I do not know how to care for myself. I bench my own feelings to let others be happy. I lower my voice, put my tail between my legs and weep. For I am still so lost.

I feel as if I deserve these feelings, to be heartbroken, to be abused, to cry and feel so lost. I’ve made others walk these roads so why shouldn’t I walk it myself

I have been selfish, I have been cruel and unworthy of someone else’s pure compassion. I had to destroy a person to become this compassionate. Isn’t it all so ironic.

Life is not fair.

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