To accommodate Thanksgiving morning with long drives and overthinking is only to be expected at this point.
After taking my Aunt, Uncle and cousin home, i was left with about an hour drive home down from foggy mountains. Thinking about what on this God given Earth I did to deserve such a fucked family. I mean i know there are many people out there with much worse. I’ve met those people and it leaves me with no room to complain but I’m only human. Leading up to the conclusion, that at this point I’m not sure I’m even complaining but just announcing that I’m just done, I’m fed up.
I’m fed up with the toxic people I share my blood with. I’m embarrassed and in no way am I holding myself above these people because I, myself, am no better. It just sucks that I still have the audacity to want to continue to talk with them. Even though I knew Thanksgiving dinner would be quiet, I still went out of my way to play family.
When your young a mother is almost a god in your eyes. She can’t do anything wrong. She’s perfect. No matter what negative things people tell you, it’s not true. And you grow up and slowly understand that maybe she is toxic. Maybe she did hurt people and maybe it wasn’t just my mother to blame. It was also the aunt, the uncles, the grandmother. It was everybody but you still crave a real relationship. You desperately want them to be your role models but knowing how fucked they are and how much they’ve fucked you in the head, you conclude in the fact that you wouldn’t even show up at their funeral.
Continuing the drive home, the fog is so thick that i can barely see the windy turns a few feet ahead. Debating on pulling over just to get pictures but thinking about how its very foggy and someone might not see me, usually i wouldn’t care but I just didn’t feel like dying that day.